From Reynaldo's Diary November 14th, 1933

This place is cold. I suspect my safari suit may be a little less useful than I had anticipated. Someone has remarked that it is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. I didn't know monkeys were indigenous to the British Isles. You learn something every day.

I have been tipped off that the legendary clitoris is located somewhere in the Cornwall. I set off, travelling through the marvellous Autumn countryside by rail. At one point we pass two farmers squashing down wheat with large flat pieces of metal. I ask a man beside me if the patterns they are making have anything to do with the clitoris. His answer is cryptic. "Yeah, Alpha Clitauri, where all them aliens live," he says.

At lunch I stop for bread, cheese and beer at a local pub. It is delicious, and I wolf it down hungrily. The barmaid brings me another beer; it is home brewed and tastes magnificent.
"You're thirsty," says the barmaid. "What is it that brings you here?"
"I'm on a quest to find the clitoris," I reply, and she raises her eyebrows.
"Well then, the next one's on me. Any man who deliberately goes out to find the clitoris deserves a free beer. You'll need it."

The British are known for their hospitality and interest in all things scientific.

The sun is setting as I near my destination. John Thomas is well known in these parts for collecting all sorts of things, from automobiles to new fangled wirelesses. He's a jovial fellow; the whole time I was there he seemed to be chortling with laughter. Striding in gumboots, he leads me down through green, cow-patted pasture to his large back shed.

"Here it is!" he cries, throwing open the doors. Inside lay a huge, cobwebbed piece of machinery - a steam driven threshing machine. "I don't use it much no more, we don't grow grain, just cows." I was confused for a moment, until I moved close and read the brand name: Klee-Taurus - Unsurpassed since 1897.

Once again, I was disappointed. I thanked the farmer and prepared to look elsewhere for the clitoris. Perhaps Australia would hold the treasure I sought.